Awake in terror.

I wake up screaming and find that my husband has chewed off hands and has placed huge razors in their place. They're jointed in the middle and he's balanced next to our bed on them, his feet off the ground. His face has turned dark and angular like something out of a Jhonen Vasquez comic, and he's tottering back and forth, staring at me.

It's an ungodly time of night, and I keep screaming. Eli tries to calm me but, of course, I think he's trying to kill me and he has knives for hands. I'm slapping, pushing, and fighting; but in that weak-ass way one does when muscles aren't fully working yet.

At some point while thrashing around, I've resigned myself to being cut to pieces so now I'm crying, sobbing, hyperventilating. I begin to fully awake as Eli reaches for me again. I'm still scared, but I grab his hand. I grab his hand and touch each of his fingers to make sure they're real. I do this several times before I let him touch me.

I try to explain what happened, but I know it sounds ridiculous and I'm too tired to go through it all. I settle down, stop crying, and slowly go back to sleep.

Sleepwalk With Me

My husband, our roommate, and I went to see Sleepwalk with Me this evening. In addition to liking Mike Birbiglia, Marc Maron, and Ira Glass; it's about a dude who does weird shit in his sleep. How can I not get behind that?

In this fictionalized account, Mike Birbiglia's character moves in with his long-term girlfriend. His sister gets engaged, and his family begins pressuring him to marry Abby. At that time, he starts sleepwalking and begins his stand-up comedy career.

It was a little unnerving to watch, to be honest. I caught my husband glancing at me several times during the sleepwalking scenes, as I covered my mouth with my hands and giggled. It was a similar to the reaction one has when their mom is telling an embarrassing childhood story in front of friends.

Sleepwalk With Me is both touching and funny, and you should probably push up your glasses and button up your cardigan and go see it. You can pregame by listening to NPR on the way there.